What you were was fundamental estrangement strong enough to defeat any repetition and bring it to a shattering edge of keenness. It turns out, however, that even estrangement is a gesture and like every gesture is fused by repetition into into an edgeless mass with no distinction between waking and dreaming. It's not that nothing happens anymore but that all happenings are at the same potential, understood before they start, fading scribbles on the same pearly ground.