Within what you call thought there is the duality of thought and feeling which constitutes the gap by which you never fully coincide with yourself. When 'beingness' is stressed instead of just being this is to say that your being is in feeling, but this is an immediacy that doesn't know itself and for this reason is incomplete - it is experienced as a kind of grounded dullness or opacity when you know that it is potentially brightness and transparency to an almost infinite degree. You can direct attention to this fundamental beingness to delineate its specific qualities, but the moment you do so you have brought about a point of observation which is outside of it, an ungrounded witness whose freedom is in its separation from its own sense of being. It is as if this witnessing is the alienated transparency of beingness which strives to preserve itself while merging with the feeling. You can either awaken the beingness of the witness or ignite the transparency of the beingness that is asleep in feeling. You go back and forth between these strategies which both fail in their own ways. There is third element which is lacking, or rather withheld; it is present but withheld, a negation of the partiality of both thought and feeling that seems to have left clues to itself scattered and glittering all through your life.