Weren't you drawn into all of this by the idea that there was a definite goal, some sort of 'enlightenment', a being let into the cosmic secret that was at the same time a transformation in the roots of being? This notion has been terribly discounted since, say, R.M Bucke's 'Cosmic Consciousness', from something rare and rather magical, and most of all, a powerhouse for the creation of cultural value through a massive augmentation of the intellect, into something rather banal, by mo means rare, and a little smug, rather petty, and human all too human. Enlightenment has been subjected to enlightenment in the cultural historic sense of the term, the dissipation or eradication of the last vestiges of magical thinking, the perfect alignment with the findings of science. What can one hope for other than getting all the distinctions right once and for all, something that might as well come about without any intervention from the other side, a well-curated set of fundamental notions. But the cultural-historic sense of enlightenment has taken a beating in recent years, one does not wish to be aligned with its barbarian detractors, and yet it is also the enemy. You need to destroy it, but from the other side!