You have many intellectual and moral failings, among which is the lack of any desire to amend them. A deficiency of courage and of seriousness, a tendency to choose what is expedient is perhaps at the core of it. You don't inhabit a moral universe being too skeptical of agency for this notion to cohere. Is this a way of being honest or dishonest with yourself? Either alternative is possible, but the question seems irrelevant at this stage. There is only enough clarity for taking the smallest of steps and merely taking these exhausts all your doership without concern for whether they lead forwards or backwards or sideways. The kind of universe this happens to be is still an open question - indeed is it one in which anything 'happens' at all?